Thoughts...

A million of them fly by me everyday..Want to document them..Wanted to revamp this blog, wanted to get a fresh perspective to life, wanted to revitalise and renew everything around me...But only the intent remains, until it eventually devolves and becomes a bitter realisation of times gone by, without having "lived", without having done what could be done only in the past....Sigh!

Calvin comes to rescue to explain this state of mind:

"I'm not going to do my maths homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intriguing possibilities into boring old facts."
"I never really thought about the literary possibilities of maths."
"I prefer to savour the mystery."

What he did with Maths I am doing with life and the thoughts that swamp me!

The centurieth post!

O well...about 3.5 years of this insane writing spree, and a one year sabattical in between - and its time for the century - the 100 th post..I wanted to write something meaningful for this one (Yeah people I do realise, that I write useless $%%@ otherwise...) I was wondering what to write about and something happened last Friday, which made me extremely proud and made life seem profoundly meaningful in that moment..and it deserves to be here on this occasion...

I was going back from office with Shakthi and she tells me " Amma, today in school ma'm asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. X said he wants to be police, Y said doctor, someone said teacher and then they asked me and I said I want to be like my Mummy - everyone laughed at me. But when I grow up I want to be exactly like you Amma" - God! I cant tell you how emotional that made me feel...how much that one minute compensates for all the sleepless nights, for all the smelly diapers, for the painful delivery, for the transformed life, for the missed parties...for everything....

Motherhood rocks!! Its like this dark tunnel you keep manuevering thru, feeling like giving up every now and then, except for occasional moments of brilliance like these, that makes all the warm emotions of the universe just wrap you up in a neat cocoon and you want to go on, simply because there is a little finger holding your hand..and it needs you...I know ten years down the lane, as a teenager, she's gonna cringe at the sight of me and we're gonna have some crazy fights..I'm gonna hate every bit of it - just like I hated her toddler years...I'm pretty sure it'll have its own moments of brilliance..let see..you'll get to know if this blog survives :)Ok and here's the unglamorous part - the warm and fuzzy feeling lasted for about exactly 30 seconds till she threw a tantrum for a chocolate, making me wonder if she was getting manipulative and luring me with flattery..

Ok bloggie, you're now a big blog, 100 posts old and all, no more craving for attention, no more asking me to write posts often, no more wanting your sitemeter to tick faster... Act mature..But then you should also not think too much of yourself, because there are blogs out there that are so much better, so much more well written and have gone thru far more suffering. So as per my whim and fancy, I'll expect you to act grown up or like child - it all depends on the "situation"!!

Talk about mothers- they're all the bloody same...I am no different....

Conoction of Contentions!

Conducting a concert

Of complex conundrums

With contrastingly conflicting crescendos,

Concluding in cacophony

In the Conscience....

The conscience

Already countered

With countless conflicts

Of continuing this contrived concord

Is condemned to conquer

This contemporary confluence

Of commotions with candor!

Consequence -

Incongruous misconduct

Of a disconcerted non-coformist!

OK now, dont ask me why I came up with that "con"ny write up...Attempted for something landed up with this - so like life that is!

Writing...

"I desire that I write for myself alone. It is when that which is buried in me finds expression in words, that I myself come to truly know what was buried in me. It may well be that the reason that I write is because I feel that I may discover more and more and come to know what else may be inside me. As I continue to write, and as more and more experiences unfold from within me, and as I become subject to these experiences, it seems to me that I may, in a way, make it possible for me to know who I am."

- Sundara Ramasamy (translation by Nadesan Satyendra from the Tamil original) - Found this on tamilnation.org.

This stands absolutely true for me - If I had written this myself I could not have phrased it better than this. I write when I am happy, when sad, when I want to capture moments (they work better than photographs for me), when I am frustrated or depressed all I need is a keyboard or a pen to let the thoughts flow out of me and take a form outside of me..Its the bestest relief, for me. I write anonymously on various forums - because it is not appreciation that I seek, it is the liberation of mind's claustrophobia with its own thougts...

As a sidetrack , I find Tamilnation a great resource to understand Tamil literature - makes you realise how much more interesting Tamil classes in school should have actually been!!!

Upanishads!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dint growup in a religious or highly intellectual family or surrounding...went to a Christian mission school, so I'm rather ignorant of much of the practices of Hinduism, especially when it comes to understanding all the slokas that are chanted for specific ceremonies - I mean I dont know by rote, or understand even the basic ones...Its a shame..but me happening to be me, dont really care much for religion. As is, I'm happy to "talk"to God, in my own language, that I understand - He better know all languages to clear His basic qualification of being Omniscient. So that was that. Never bothered.

But then, I have heard the following Sanskrit verse for years now - and suddenly I felt stupid for not knowing what it meant...

"Asatoma Sat Gamaya
Tamasoma Jyotir Gamaya
Mrityorma Anritam Gamaya"

- Brihadaranyaka Upanishad

Using the "google"God, I figured out what this meant...the translation as follows..

"Lead me from the unreal to the Real
Lead me from the darkness to the Light
Lead me from the temporary to the Eternal"

Cant deny the profoundness of that Prayer...But hey, I have a question, who decides the Real and Unreal, the darkness and light, the temporary and eternal? Lets get this straight, the world does not run by a rule book, whats my Real is your unreal - Usually we all stand in light, everthing around us looking rather dark - everything temporary becomes eternal and everything seemingly eternal becomes temporary in the course of life!!

Well, to simplify, I beleive, all rules we define for our life are contextual to be conveniently broken as the context changes...So as long as there is a Supreme guy out there, making a very personalised call on the parameters that moves actions, motives and emotions of people along the reality, light and timelessness scale, normalising it to specific circumstances of the individual - Great!! But then we all know how the world functions - Hi Ha.... So much for an idealistic world!

Poetry personified!!

Never blogged a poem - But this one, I simply loved it for the way its written...

"Now sleeps the crimson petal, now the white;
Nor waves the cypress in the palace walk;
Nor winks the gold fin in the porphyry font:
The firefly wakens: waken thou with me.

Now droops the milkwhite peacock like a ghost,
And like a ghost she glimmers on to me.

Now lies the Earth all Danae to the stars,
And all thy heart lies open unto me.

Now slides the silent meteor on, and leaves
A shining furrow, as thy thoughts in me.

Now folds the lily all her sweetness up,
And slips into the bosom of the lake:
So fold thyself, my dearest, thou, and slip
Into my bosom and be lost in me"

- Alfred Tennyson...

Dude you rock - too senti but too good!

Arbitowski!

Typically when I'm on this space I have fairly clear idea of what I am going to dawdle about. Today I dont - I'm blogging for the heck of it..cos writing - just anything seems like a relief...Hence the topic...

Incident#1: Was at crossword yest with my daughter who is now 4 and my 7 yr kiddy niece. The 7 year old looked at some puppet books that the 4 year old was reading and she goes " Wow! how much fun these younger kids have. When I was four years old, I never had anything like this"  

My reaction- Welcome to the real world of growing up! -  Nothing is ever enough and it sucks mighty big time...

Incident #2: Monsoon showers in Hyderabad -downpour it was - beautiful as always. Rain brings out the romantic in me.. always. Drizzle feels like powdered sugar being sprinkled on chocolate cake, rain drops rippling into fresh puddles with that one jumping drop of water (see picture)- my heart jumps with it, the rain breeze loaded with chillness of the oncoming rain, is like a million feathers pouring down, the most unbeatable of them all, the scent of wet earth - it creates this sense of Deja Vu and I'm back to my childhood - I simply love the monsoons..and its here for another 3 months in Hyd..Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Down the memory lane 2.1:  Last year, when the first rains happened, I was driving and I decided to pull over the car in one of the bylane junctions of Banjara hills and decided to savour the moment. I remember, the water pouring down the windshield and the window panes, some hazy greenery dancing wildly in the wind, the people and vehicles a blur, crystal clear melodies playing from from my Sony Xplod, felt like I was in a bubble, stagnated in time, watching the world go by - its a transcendental experience.... Try it!

Incident#3: My first visit to the GVK mall happened. A mall is a mall is mall theory still holds true. The aquarium was the only difference. They had the " blue tang" variety - the fish that comes as Dory in Finding Nemo -happens to be my fav character in the movie -glad to know that the fish actually looks stupid in real life. I would have been disappointed otherwise.

Thought #4: Read this on somebody's email signature - was worth mentioning here.

" Once you've figured out what you want in life, before going for it, figure out what you need to give up to get it - most often than not, the asking price is too high"

Alright, that helped clear my clogged brain..thanks for suffering this incoherent writing....

Elusiveness of Dreams...

First of all, before I start writing - this is my pet theory which will win the Nobel Peace Prize fifty years down the lane.. now read on...

All of us have dreams and aspirations and typically well prioritzed ones. Some people dream more intensly than others who dream less intensely than the some people (Duh! that was intendedly constrcuted to be funny - atleast smile now). 

The "others" who dream less intensely, I term as bovine, with no offense whatsoever! I envy them - imagine our very useful mooey friends - they graze, they sit in the shade and ruminate, sleep long hours, aspiring only to make more milk or meat which happens by design than them putting any special effort into it...well I see this harmless contented nature in people too - if you're one of them, please just go to the house of your religion, TODAY and offer the lavishest contribution you can afford - you're lucky. You have no clue of suffering.

Moving on to the "some people"  who are relatively less in proportion as opposed to the bovine people - they are the subjects of this theory. We'll call them "Rogered to Death for Dreaming" or RDD. So RDDs aspire, they dream, of things that they rather not talk about lest they be sent to the asylum, the dreams are the meaning of their lives, they live to see these dreams come true, irrespective of how unreachable the dream is to anyone else, the RDDs belive they'll get there and plod on each day....Alas! there is one more truth to the life of an RDD -they always see people who live RDD's much coveted dream, extremely easily, without an effort....

Now that the subject of my theory is well defined - here is the hypothesis of my theory....

"Any person who is an RDD, will always face obstacles directly proportional to the importance/intensity of  the dream, in the path to achieving it. To any other person who is living the RDD's dream, that dream does NOT seem precious -  beacause they are either bovine in which case it doesnt matter, or if its another RDD, he is frustrated trying to reach his own dream. Once and if  an RDD realises his dream, he would have paid such a high price on the way to achieving it, that it might not seem worth it

Thus as a combination of  intense wishing and utter frustration of seeing other individuals achieve their dream,  RDDs are unhappy for the major part of their lives trying to realise their dream and spend an unhappier rest of their lives trying to make that dream last...."

I am in the process of collecting data on RDD's and bovines to prove this hypothesis. I already have statisitcally significant proof that this hypothesis is right. But I'd like a larger sample size.

If this theory is proven then I'd propogate the strategy to live as follows:

1. Are you a bovine or an RDD? - Run the self diagnosis test priced at 9.99$ (corporate discounts available)

2. If you are a bovine you can carry on and live happily everafter

3. If you are an RDD - first of all we are sorry to hear that. But you'll be even more sorry to hear that, in case you really want happiness, then you need an expensive brain surgery that places an exicitement nullifier (under invention - may have to be personalised) in the hyperactive regions of your brain as result of which you start exhibiting bovine charecterstics

4. In case you do not want to undergo the surgery, we suggest that you get used to being unhappy or try mediation to calm your nerves.

Overall the theory may sound vaguely close to the concpet of Nirvana that was popularised by Buddha a few centuries ago. However, I swear this was all my own thinking and there are several addendums that are as yet unexplored in this philosophy.

Well, I get the peace prize, because if I succeed, then everybody would become bovine and there'll be no conflicts in a  world that has no desires... See, I'm smart:P But, the only caveat to this entire theory being,  RDD's are so strongly imbibed with a need to desire, somewhat intensely that too, so they might start desiring "bovinism" intensely and therefore be unhappy.... Well life's like that!

Slumdog or Millionaire?

Watched the movie yesterday....Good one, definitely. But nothing deserving of all the "great accolades" its been winning which makes me doubt the fairness, authenticity, PR and lobbying that goes behind these awards - but thats a separate topic...

The movie is somewhat like a BBCD (British born confused desi), really not knowing where it belongs - I could classify it in several genres - childhood affection that matures into love and wins with persistence, destiny to be rich, good wins over bad, poverty all of them mish mashed and kathi rolled into the game show concept which, I agree is a novel idea and the only novel idea in the movie.

Even in the treatment of all the genres, you're not focussing on one for too long and therefore you're left feeling blankness and not one strong emotion at the end of it. Agreed, that the initial, slum scenes, child trafficking and all that jolt you - even though it is a reality that all of us face everyday at every traffic signal, not without a guilt that rushes through us, but choose to block out for purposes of a sane life - I am not being callous, or even saracastic here, this is the truth of the nation and shown in macabre details, it makes you hate yourself for the lifestyle you lead (survivor's guilt). But if that was the intended impact, then, without dwelling on it, the movie moves on to other themes, lost love, mafia and the works - it does not make a choice between being on the face or being euphemistic - therefore landing up being somewhere on the borderline of hypocritic.


My only reasoning, for it gaining so much popularity, is probably because, Westerners, dont know that this is the truth of any big Indian city (maybe a little less so in other cities, yet mostly true)..And this being a revelation to them, they are probably appalled enough to give away enough awards...Well whatever it be, it doesnt really matter, if all this culminates into something more than just awards and actually helps someone in need.

Well, but the kid who acted as Jamal, in the slum, he was just brilliant - the innocence in those doe eyes and the suffering that he goes thru, but the natural honesty in them - he just touched my heart. My sense of self went for a huge toss, when he goes to Maman, and says he would sing, if given 50 bucks, because he is a professional singer, with dreamy eyes unknowing of the harm that awaits him..


Movie review apart, reading, or seeing such things, makes me wonder, why are some people's lives so much tougher than others? It bothers me, that I had it easy, atleast relative to such sufferings....I know there are no black and white answers in life, the world needs a color scheme for it to run, and we are all distributed in the varying shades of gray to let it happen....But the justice of the design bothers me - " If God exists he is either cruel or incompetent or both and he better have a really good excuse" - Woody Allen's quotes that come to my mind...

Life as it happens.....

This picture was sent to me by a friend, from Flickr.... It made me feel gloomy and hopeful at the same time - oxy"moronic" emotions that define me...I started writing something on it - turned out to be decent poetry, with a dash of cynincal hopelessness - but I guess its true that we do lose most of our present in analysing the future. Read on....and let me know what you think.

LIFE AS IT HAPPENS........
Feeling lost..
Either way out looks gloomy,
But I am not left with other options...

Should I stay in and not move on...
Or should I move on and not look back...
I know the hues in here are despairing
But here's where I belong!!
The road at the end of moving on beckons with light and laughter,
As does the fire to the fly with love and then slaughter....
Should I stay in and not move on...
Or should I move on and not look back...

I kept looking and thinking
Undecided on deciding...
Staring into blank space and misting my eyes
Oblivious and deaf to the sounds of the present,
Left speechless by the enormity of possibilities
Yet too numbed to move for the fear of obstacles..

Feeling Lost...
I lost my present, to the future,
The future that happened
when I was still looking and thinking...
Now that the future has happened,
I am still lost - albeit in a new place,
Still wondering,
Should I stay in and not move on...
Or should I move on and not look back...